Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[TheSpyder]

THE TRIBULATIONS OF AGING !!!!!!!

A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, NONE of us could get the jar open."

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by TheSpyder

THE TRIBULATIONS OF AGING !!!!!!!

A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, NONE of us could get the jar open."

I just take my bed sheets to the Doc..

[bigrun]

Oldie but goodie..


Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they

sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three

men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of

a hunting camp.


Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter

said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange,

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up,
Roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.'

'What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.'

[GenuineRisk]

One for the nerds:

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car, Heisenberg in the driver's seat, when they are pulled over by a traffic cop. The officer asks, "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer says "you were going 90 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws up his hands and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!" The officer orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and says to them, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger throws up his hands and says, "Well, NOW we do!"

[GenuineRisk]

Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally.

[herkhorse]

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

[bigrun]

This Tim Conway and Carol Burnett skit never aired. WONDER WHY?


http://www.youtube.com/embed/sJIh70IZua8?rel=0