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#1
03-24-2013, 02:29 PM
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Heaven's Clerk
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. "Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room. He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you." "I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest."
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"If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think" - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer (1857-1938) When you are right, no one remembers;when you are wrong, no one forgets. Thought for today.."No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong" - Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld, French moralist (1613-1680) 
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#2
03-24-2013, 04:24 PM
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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#3
03-27-2013, 07:18 AM
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#4
03-27-2013, 09:35 AM
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#5
03-27-2013, 02:06 PM
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Rodney was the best.
 Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield......... Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!...spyder's sig...  A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
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"If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think" - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer (1857-1938) When you are right, no one remembers;when you are wrong, no one forgets. Thought for today.."No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong" - Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld, French moralist (1613-1680)
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#6
04-03-2013, 10:05 AM
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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#8
04-03-2013, 02:22 PM
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All his stand-ups on Carson and other shows were outstanding. one of a kind..
__________________
"If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think" - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer (1857-1938) When you are right, no one remembers;when you are wrong, no one forgets. Thought for today.."No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong" - Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld, French moralist (1613-1680)
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#9
04-03-2013, 04:26 PM
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#10
04-03-2013, 04:42 PM
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Caddyshack 1980 Back to School 1986 Easy Money 1983
__________________
"If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think" - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer (1857-1938) When you are right, no one remembers;when you are wrong, no one forgets. Thought for today.."No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong" - Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld, French moralist (1613-1680)
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