Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

casp0555 · #1 03-15-2013, 10:36 AM

found on the web...

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at ,makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?

my miss storm cat · #2 03-15-2013, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by casp0555

found on the web...

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at ,makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?

I liked this one.

TheSpyder · #3 03-24-2013, 02:06 PM

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

bigrun · #4 03-24-2013, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheSpyder

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

Sign of the times..

bigrun · #5 03-24-2013, 02:29 PM

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest."

TheSpyder · #6 03-24-2013, 04:24 PM

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

herkhorse · #7 03-27-2013, 07:18 AM

http://vimeo.com/61275290

casp0555 · #8 03-27-2013, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigrun

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest."

Hilarious Big...I needed one this morning, thx

bigrun · #9 03-27-2013, 02:06 PM

Rodney was the best.

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........
Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!...spyder's sig...

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.