Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

Horse Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President G W Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's as s I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Laura Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's as s too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[Downthestretch55]

Various important philosophical Questions

Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?

[Downthestretch55]

From my favorite Jewish humor site...

The Philosopher


A young man was going to evening classes in philosophy to improve his education and when he came home his father always asked him what he'd learned.
"This evening we talked about Einstein and the Theory of Relativity"
"Voos is doos der Theory of Relativity?"
"Well it shows that everything is relative. If you were sitting on a hot stove for five minutes it would seem like an hour, but if you were making love to a beautiful woman for an hour it would seem like five minutes."
The old man thought for a minute. "And from this Einstein makes a living"

[Downthestretch55]

The Children of Israel

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"

[Downthestretch55]

Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."

[Downthestretch55]

God's Creation

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."