Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

This one is a true story.
I hope all you DTer's never wake up to find one in your driveway, but in case you do, here's how you "get er done".

How to remove a dead whale.....

Way To Remove A Dead Whale

The Farside Comes To Life In Oregon


I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a
reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that
washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass
was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory
that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large
objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not
making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that
the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by
seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most
wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale
carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the
happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's
tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice
shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell
everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a
quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale
sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls
who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.

Rumor has it that the Oregon Highway crew was last seen responding to an "emergency" in a place called Crawford, Texas.

Good luck fellas!

[Downthestretch55]

The Swiss...How to Avoid War

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"