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#1
01-20-2011, 12:25 PM
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A man walking down the street saw a strange funeral procession.
it was 2 hearses (one behind the other) driving very slowly. Behind the hearse a man dressed in black was walking a large dog at the head of a very large procession(all men) in a single line following the man with the dog. The man walking by asked the man with the dog "who died ?" Man with dog said "my wife...she was yelling at me and the dog thought she was attacking me...and well...a terrible tragedy." Meanwhile...all the men in the single file procession are silent and respectful. Man on street says "who is in the second hearse?" Man with dog says " another terrible tragedy. My mother in law saw the whole episode and began screaming at me. The dog thought the old hag was attacking me... and well...she's in the second hearse." LONG PAUSE AS THE HEARSE STARTS TO MOVE SLOWLY AGAIN. Man in the street says "You have my condolences....Ah..Can I borrow that Dog ? Man with the dog points over his shoulder at the procession and says ...." Back of the line !"
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Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!" 
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#2
01-21-2011, 04:15 PM
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#3
01-21-2011, 07:03 PM
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At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back, they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.... The guys were excited and relieved... They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....then they turned the page. On the second page was written... For 95 points: Which tire? _________.
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#4
01-21-2011, 07:17 PM
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POOR FARMER
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna .. Get screwed out of my peaches.
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#5
01-21-2011, 07:21 PM
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. . .. "You just happened to catch my eye."
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#6
01-21-2011, 07:44 PM
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ouch
__________________
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#7
01-22-2011, 07:11 AM
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An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing...," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw an Iowa State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I ' m too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused, and then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with an Iowa State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
__________________
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#8
01-24-2011, 05:29 PM
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I like that...so what are the odds that they all guess the same tire?
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Hybrid Mode
