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#1
04-26-2010, 12:58 PM
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Not a joke, but I thought it was pretty funny.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - Bitch Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
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Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!" 
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#2
04-26-2010, 01:42 PM
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Quote:
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#3
04-27-2010, 12:13 PM
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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I l  Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#4
04-27-2010, 05:56 PM
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So this couple is going at it like crazy in bed when they notice their little son standing in the door. Dad panics and yells "get out!", but once he gets his senses back he goes to talk to him. He's not in his room. He hears some sounds from the room next door, goes in to find his son humping his grandma like the world was going to end. He yells out "WHAT THE F**K are you doing?!" The son looks up and says "It's not so fun when it's _your_ mom, is it?"
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#5
04-29-2010, 07:28 AM
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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#6
04-29-2010, 08:11 AM
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Quote:
A classic Flip Wilson joke: "I am still under a great deal of depression, I attended a funeral of a very very good friend by the name of George. George died. And last Sunday morning I didn't have anything to do and I figured that I would go by the funeral parlor where George was and see how they handled the final arrangements. And his wife was very excited, you know she's never had quite a large sum of money like this before. She ran in and ran up to the coffin and the undertaker had George laid out in a brown suit. She said to him how come you have George laid out in brown? The undertaker said well lady I went through my stock, brown suits were all I had left and I figured that George looked pretty nice in brown so I dressed him in brown. The woman said well George doesn't like brown. She said George likes blue. And George wants to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker said now look lady today's Sunday, all the stores are closed. He said there's no place open to get a blue suit today. And the woman said that's your problem. For the money that I'm paying for this you're gonna do it like I want it done. Now I'm going down the street to get some flowers for George and I'll be gone five minutes and when I come back I want you to have George in a blue suit. Shoom! Gone. Five minutes later she ran back in, ran over to the coffin, looked down and George ahs a blue suit on. She turned to the fella and said I thought you said the stores were closed? And the fella said they are lady. She said well where did you get the blue suit from? Fella said well right after you left they brought in another Fella who'd split and he had a blue suit on so I figured that I'd dress him in George's brown and do George up in his blue. The lady said but I was just gone five minutes, how'd you change the suits so fast? Fella said I didn't change the suits lady I switched the heads."
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I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton Last edited by Princess Doreen : 04-29-2010 at 08:25 AM.
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#7
05-07-2010, 08:30 PM
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http://soundcloud.com/scuds/sets/scuds
1st 5 seconds is for Zig. The rest is not. These two have been asked to perform it (at a State Dinner) in front of Obama when he visits Turkey next year.
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Hybrid Mode
