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#3
04-07-2010, 10:14 AM
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Quote:
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#4
04-19-2010, 06:56 AM
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New golf terms
> > > > > > A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't. > > > > A 'Saddam Hussein'- from one bunker into another. > > > > A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand. > > > > A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water. > > > > A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed. > > > > An 'O.J.'- got away with one. > > > > A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver. > > > > A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver. > > > > A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good. > > > > A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole. > > > > A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right. > > > > A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds. > > > > A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read. > > > > A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out. > > > > A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist. > > > > A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees. > > > > A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole. > > > > A 'Hitler'- two shots in the bunker. > > > > A 'Monica Lewinsky' - all lip, no hole. > > > > A 'Sister-In-Law' - You know you're up there, but you shouldn't be. > > > >
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#5
04-21-2010, 07:16 AM
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A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
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#6
04-25-2010, 08:25 PM
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it."
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#7
04-26-2010, 12:58 PM
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Not a joke, but I thought it was pretty funny.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - Bitch Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
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Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!"
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