Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[MaTH716]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called ou t: 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

"Excuse me, Sir", said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!

The Italian from New York said, 'Why The F.uck can't they play at night?

[mclem0822]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."


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[GBBob]

Originally Posted by mclem0822

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."


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My perve mind automatically saw "limp, dead rabbit" as foreshadowing

[mclem0822]

Originally Posted by GBBob

My perve mind automatically saw "limp, dead rabbit" as foreshadowing

[herkhorse]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

[satan's twin]

An 85 year old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried it with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried it too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[dellinger63]

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. He brings along his wife as he is hard of hearing. Upon arrival the nurse tells the man they we'll need a blood, urine and stool sample. He looks at his wife and says "what did she say?" His wife responds, "give them your underwear".

[richard burch]

Originally Posted by satan's twin

An 85 year old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried it with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried it too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[richard burch]

a man goes to the doctor and says...

"doc, help me. I can't take a ****. I've been drinking prune juice and taking laxatives all week and i can't even get a turtle head. You gotta help me!"

Doc says" Here. Take these suppositories and call me tomorrow."

The guy calls back the next day. "Doc nothings happenning. I took the whole bottle and it's not working!"

Doc says" Are you sure you're taking them the right way?"

The man says "Of course I am. What do you you want me to do with them? Stick 'em up my ass?