Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

Good ones Timm Here's todays...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[whorstman]

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah............thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
! ; ====== =========

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============

Customer: Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.Custom er: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[Downthestretch55]

Very good Whorst. LOL!

[timmgirvan]

A blonde wanted to go fishing. She'd see many books on the subject, and finally getting all the tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The blonde,now worried, moved away, clear down to the other end of the ice. She set her stool down and tried to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" She stopped, looked skyward,and said "is that you,Lord?" The voice replied "NO, this is the manager of the Hockey Rink!"

[GPK]

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.''

[GPK]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year

[GPK]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."

[timmgirvan]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her husband and asked for 20 dollars after their first lovemaking encounter. The husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time after they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way to pay for her clothes and incidentals. Arriving home one day at noon, she was shocked to find her husband in a drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his company was downsizing and that he'd been let go. He was fearful that he was financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed steady deposits, with interest and certificates of deposit it totalled close to 3 million dollars. She explained that for 3 decades she "charged" him for sex, and wisely invested it. Finally, the husband blurted out "If I'd had any idea you were doing this, I'd have given you all my business" THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM

[timmgirvan]

I urgently needed a few days off work,but I knew the Boss would never leat me take a leave. I thought that if I acted 'crazy' he might tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the light fixture and made funny noises. My co-worker(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing,and I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was 'crazy' and give me some time off. A few minutes later, the boss came in and asked what I was doing. I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You're certainly stressed out! Why don't you go home and take a few days to recuperate?" I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker(the blonde) followed me, the Boss said "...and where do you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this..) She said 'I can't work in the dark!" It could work.

[Downthestretch55]

Thanks Timm for pitching in. Good ones!

Here's one for today.

Woman?

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto
your
upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider.

[Downthestretch55]

I came across this resume. I'm guessing that this one posts here.
The "secret's" safe...
Resume

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.