Joke of the Day

[notyep59]

I was in line at the grocery store picking up a bag of dog food for my dogs when the lady behind me asks, "Do you have a dog?" "No", I said, "I'm on the dog food diet." "Dog food diet, what's that?" she asked. I said "Whenever I leave the house, I fill both pockets with dog food and when i get hungry i just reach in and eat two pieces of food. The last time I was on this diet I lost 50 pounds, but I ended up in the hospital." "Oh no!", she said, "was the food poisoned?" I told her, "No, I was laying in the middle of the road licking my balls when a car hit me!!"

[2Hot4TV]

There were 2 Zebras walking down the road and younger Zebra was losing sleep wondering if they were black with white strips or white with black strips. He asked his friend and he didn't know, but suggested that he try to ask God before he went to sleep at night. Well weeks went by with no answer to the question. Then one morning the young Zebra told his friend that in his dream last night that he was talking to God and asked if they were black with white strips or white with black strips? The young Zebra said the answer confused him because God just said "you are what you are".

His elder friend said that's your answer we are white with black strips!

The younger Zebra asked him to please explain why.

Well if we were black with white strips God would of said " you is what you is"

[Downthestretch55]

THE DONKEY AUCTION

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[Downthestretch55]

The Lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

[Downthestretch55]

Buying a Horse....

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?