some jokes to start your day

[herkhorse]

An old man walks into a drug store and asks for some Viagra pills. He says to the chemist, "and could you break them in quarters for me please"

The chemist replies, " A quarter of a Viagra pill won't be enough to sustain an erection"

The old man says, "I'm 93 years old and I have no use for a sustained erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers"

[herkhorse]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair

of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and
has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb.
As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and
wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our
most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. If

I catch you, you're mine..."