Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

Headlines 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raise s price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

[Downthestretch55]

STUPID SPORTS QUOTES

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my ****ing clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

[Downthestretch55]

The year in review, in his own words..."Bushisms" of 2006:
http://www.slate.com/id/76886/

[Downthestretch55]

I'm Not Hungry!


A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but l'm not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra," he says. "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra...l'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving."

[Downthestretch55]

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard
to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably
like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for sauerkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him
constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little
country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war
advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got
out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in
Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own
escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion
of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar
for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in
a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment
when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the
"Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The
U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a
wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the
last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his
back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
threat

[Buffymommy]

Here's one for you guys!


Two female teachers went on a field trip to the
local racetrack (Arlington Park) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom
it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men's room when one of the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up
one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the
flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver
Arrow in the seventh.

[Downthestretch55]

The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies"

16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor
Sex Partners

15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE:
Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary
Position

13. Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14
Simple Steps

11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All
Those Other People

10. Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow

9. Stop Masturbating, She's Real!

8. You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role
Playing

7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

6. Putting the Condom on a Banana is Just for
*Practice*, Dumbass

5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to
Sexual Positions

4. "Alternate" Lifestyles: Pokeman?

3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

and the Number 1 Chapter in "Sex for Dummies"...

Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar