Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[richard burch]

The suspense is killing me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXtBZPONSCc

[GenuineRisk]

A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. The man looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, reading

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you yelled, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[casp0555]

for Old Dog

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
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“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

[TheSpyder]

This cute piece of humor is totally Jewish. I've tried to translate for those of my friends who may not understand the words that are in Yiddish, the language of the Ashkenazim (defined below).

Sometime between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Jewish day of repentance -- the highest holy day in the Jewish religion), it is customary among Ashkenazim (the name given to Jews from Eastern Europe) to throw breadcrumbs into a body of water as a symbolic act of repentance, called Taschlich. Most Jews do Taschlich the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah. Family and friends gather together at the waterfront of a body of water to “cast away” the sins of the past year and resolve to be a better person in the year to come.

Occasionally, people ask what kinds of breadcrumbs should, (or might) be thrown. Here are some suggestions for breads which could be appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors…

For ordinary sins - White bread
For erotic sins - French bread
For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi-Grain
For sins of indecision - Waffles
For sins committed in haste - Matzos
For sins of chutzpah (loosely translated, having some nerve/brashness/rudeness) - Any fresh bread
For substance abuse - Stoned wheat
For committing auto theft - Caraway
For timidity/cowardice - Milk toast
For ill-temperedness - Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity - Nut bread
For excessive irony - Rye bread
For taking unnecessary chances - “Hero” bread
For war-mongering - Kaiser rolls
For dressing immodestly - Tarts
For lechery and promiscuity - Hot buns
For promiscuity with Gentiles (non-Jews) - Hot cross buns
For racist attitudes - Crackers
For being “holier-than-thou” - Bagels
For overeating - Stuffing
For indecent photography - Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often - Challah (the "ch" is pronounced like an "H" -- don't worry, I didn't get it at first, either)
For pride and egotism - Puff pastry
For sycophancy, “ass-kissing” - Brownies
For being overly smothering - Angel food cake
For trashing the environment - Dumplings

[OldDog]

Originally Posted by casp0555

for Old Dog

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

How did I miss this? Thank you!

[casp0555]

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.