Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[Princess Doreen]

I did not snopes.com this to make certain quotes are correctly attributed, but it's funny:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

[AeWingnut]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he Saw two men along
the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
Man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They Are over there, under
that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
Us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer And said,
'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.'

[AeWingnut]

for some reason I really like these 2

Originally Posted by Princess Doreen

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill