Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

Rodney, oldies but goodies...I really miss that guy..


Rodney once said...

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.


THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD!!!!!!!

[bigrun]

The black guy did it



http://crimefeed.com/2015/09/felon-s...mes-black-man/

[bigrun]

Shame on you if you laugh at this...



This is so disappointing. CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called “Jet Black,” the African-American version of “Snow White" has been cancelled.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing “Hi Ho, Hi Ho” because they say it offends black prostitutes.

They also say there ain’t no way in hell they’re gonna sing “It’s off to work we go."


All laughers will be reported to Al Sharpton

[Danzig]

girl goes to dept store...'whats the smallest bra you have?' they answer, 34. she leaves, goes to next store..
what's the smallest bra you sell? 30. darnit
goes to next store, same question, answer is 28.
disgusted, she goes to last dept store, rips open her shirt and yells 'what have you got for these?!?!

the clerk answers....



clearasil

[casp0555]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.

[OldDog]

[richard burch]

The suspense is killing me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXtBZPONSCc

[GenuineRisk]

A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. The man looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, reading

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you yelled, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[casp0555]

for Old Dog

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
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“I’m here to feed the alligator…”