My wife tells me to brush my teeth, I told her "Why don't I just get a tan"

My favorite M.H. ever was when he was talking about drinking red wine and how it gives him a hangover. Someone asks him why he doesn't stop drinking it and he says that he's not going to stop doing something just because of what it's going to become like "hey Mitch, want an apple?" "No way man, it's just going to be a ****ing core!"

well.....then i guess it could be funnier!

the guy was a scream, here are a few more:


My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

One time I go to like a craft fair, and I see a jar of jelly beans that says "Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize!".. Aw come on man, let me just have some!

I was at a casino, I was standing by the door and the security guard came over and said "You're going to have to move, you're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria.. This week's coupon: Unlimited free pizza."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shiskebabs.. Foosball ****ed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, then spin around and around. I can't do a backflip. Much less several. Simultaneously.. With two other guys.. That look just like me.

I can guarantee there will be quite the amount of harper dropout turned beautician wannabe's.