An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing...," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw an Iowa State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I ' m too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll
let you go."
The old gentleman paused, and then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with an Iowa State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

I like that...so what are the odds that they all guess the same tire?

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the s.hit out of me.......

an elderly gentleman was led into his doctors office by a beautiful and sexy nurse. he sat down with the dr. who told him he had good news and bad news. the old gentleman said ok give me the bad news first. the dr. said I am sorry to tell you that you only have 6 months to live. the old man said oh my, what could possibly be the good news? The dr. replied, did you see that sexy nurse that walked you in today? I fu--ed her last night!

every time little Timmy was given a letter to start a word with in kindergarten he would always unfortunatley give a curse word, if he was given "a" he would say,ass, if he was given B, he would say bitch, given c he would say crap. The teacher then figured she would time little Timmys turn to give a word with a letter that could not possibly start a bad word. so the next day she decided to give Timmy the letter R, no bad word she could think of started with that. she got to timmys turn and gave him the letter R, and Timmy replied after a moment of pondering, Rat---A Big Fu--ing Rat

a dyslexic guy walks into a bra

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart
to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a
pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're
ya doin’ Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom dee-partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

:D

groan

nothing good
but there is snow

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said, "I've lost my electron." The other said "Are you sure?" The first replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

in Illinois it's not who votes that counts
it's who counts the votes

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down
again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the ****ing dishes!!!

Jane Velez Mitchell really cares about people, and isn't just another angry dry drunk.