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sign of the times
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I laughed Bigs........that IS funny :D
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What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit." |
I see how the story has changed from The Foxhole in Warsaw, OH to Diamond D's in Mt. Vernon, TX
http://www.christianpost.com/news/to...atrons-124549/ ;) |
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter
from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1." |
Drunk stumbles into a upholstrey shop and passes out.
He woke recovered. |
 This took me wayyyy toooo lonnnng to see lol |
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That happened to me trying to enter Festivus contest:D |
I had to get one of these to clear my driveway..
Kardashian Snow Blower..I had clyde help me out with this..:D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA5AC77azno |
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Oldie but goodie:D
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF!. she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING! |
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A blonde describing her recent window replacement with a friend.
Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane,energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellooo... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Hellooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. |
:D:D:D I don't care who you are this here stuff is funny..check them all..
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report Kim Jong-un Feels Snubbed by Absence of Letter from Republicans BY ANDY BOROWITZ Congress’s Approval Rating No Longer Detectable by Current Technology Hillary Releases Twenty Thousand Spam E-Mails from Old Navy |
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Lucky, Lucky, Lucky
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Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing…:D:D
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck. |
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No report. |
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Found this today:D:D
[IMG]  [/IMG] |
Your Bullshitten Me
Bullshitten: A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive. The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me???" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it." |
A husband and wife decide their sex life has been getting stale. They discuss spicing things up with some of their personal fantasies. The husband tells his wife he has always had a rape fantasy. His wife is extremely reluctant to go along with it, but he finally wears her down. So the husband outfits himself with rope, a knife and a balaclava. He climbs into their bedroom window, looks around, but the bedroom is empty. He's about to say, "Where are you?" when WHAM! He's clocked from behind with a frying pan and drops to the floor like a rock. He hears his wife's voice: "I'm calling the cops, creep."
"What are you doing?" He bleats. His wife says, "That's MY rape fantasy." |
:D:D
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Insightful political quotes :D
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~ The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII~ We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~ If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers~ Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev~ When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~ Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author unknown~ Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton~ Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer~ I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~ A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan~ I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~ Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson~ There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen. ~Will Rogers~ |
A black lady, a black man, and an Indian walk into a bar
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Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL team Redskins, has announced that he is
dropping the word "Washington " from the team name. Henceforth he will have the NFL team name be simply known as "The Redskins". It was reported that Snyder finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of corruption, cheating, indecision, betrayal, unfaithfulness, adultery, fornication, lying, hypocrisy, and perversion. Therefore, the word Washington, as used is in today's vocabulary, is not a fitting role model for the minds of any young football fans. :D |
Rodney, oldies but goodies...I really miss that guy..
Rodney once said... With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway." I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD!!!!!!! |
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Shame on you if you laugh at this;)...
This is so disappointing. CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called “Jet Black,” the African-American version of “Snow White" has been cancelled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing “Hi Ho, Hi Ho” because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also say there ain’t no way in hell they’re gonna sing “It’s off to work we go." All laughers will be reported to Al Sharpton:p |
girl goes to dept store...'whats the smallest bra you have?' they answer, 34. she leaves, goes to next store..
what's the smallest bra you sell? 30. darnit goes to next store, same question, answer is 28. disgusted, she goes to last dept store, rips open her shirt and yells 'what have you got for these?!?! the clerk answers.... clearasil |
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend. |
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OMG!
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A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. The man looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, reading "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you yelled, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'" |
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