A washed out horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.


He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got.”



“Why, what have you got?”



“About $2.00 and a carrot.”

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do
not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology

Medical Term-Redneck Definition

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain -Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally - more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out

:L: by order of MMSC


:{>:

:D :tro:

You are the best... thanks for making it STOP (even if just for a little bit).

Thought I would have to off mahself!

An oldie but still gets a grin from time to time......

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." :o

:D

REDNECK FISHING

You don’t have to be stupid to go fishing with a hand grenade and drop it right next to the boat...
But it sure does help!

A homeless couple was making out under a bridge when a car rolls by and the driver yells out, 'hey get a box'.



While I was pumping gas a limo pulled up and the rear window opened revealing Oprah Winfrey, apparently lost.

She asked "how do I get to 294?"

I said, "lose about 30lbs"

British humor at it's best...:D


Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call - Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbdoO...ature=youtu.be

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your Butthole before prison................

A Little Christmas Story (Or how traditions are born!)

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE
>
> A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
> husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
> unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
> Then the woman's husband also comes home.
> She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
> little boy is in there already.
>
>
> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
>
> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
>
>
> Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
>
>
> Man - 'That's nice.'
>
>
> Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
>
>
> Man - 'No, thanks.'
>
>
> Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
>
>
> Man - 'OK, how much?'
>
>
> Boy - '$250'
>
> A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy
> and the lover are in the closet together.
>
>
> Boy - 'Dark in here.'
>
>
> Man - 'Yes, it is.'
>
>
> Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
>
>
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
>
> Boy - '$750'
>
> Man - 'Sold..'



> A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy,
> 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside
> and have some short game practice. The boy says,
> 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
>
>
> The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
>
>
> Boy - '$1,000.'
>
> The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends
> like that. That is far more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
>
>
> They go to the church and the father makes the little
> boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
>
>
> The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
> The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again.
> You're in my closet now!'

:D:tro::tro:

A testimony to true manship is..

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Geeker?

I'm afraid.

Ror! As Herk once said....



heard any good jokes lately?

HOLIDAYS APPROACHING..Be careful out there..



With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I was probably over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

(This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!!!)

FFS now you're posting re-runs bigrun. please stop.

Jus checking to see who was keeping score:D

mmsc is pissed :D:D

NO.

Wait...let me check this thread...



NO.

Hi Herkie. :{>:

Careful not to step in all the unfunny droppings scattered around here. :p

well hello :p

:D :{>:

bigrum, bigrum

RoR !!!!

Here's one for my fans and golfers..:D


A little Golf Story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.

My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

Good one, big! Say hello to those guys over at the other site for me.

:tro::tro::tro::tro:

Your missed.. You need to come back :)

Maybe in a couple of weeks, using a different browser.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.



You have been chosen to receive the blessing of the Snow Fairy.

The Snow Fairy can bring you good fortune for one whole year.

May YOU be blessed by his good deeds.....





Attachment 2254


You must pass the Snow Fairy
To 7 people within 60 seconds...but not back to me!
To receive your one year blessing....
HURRY!

Job applicant
 

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.




Attachment 2255


Employer's response:......



Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.' :D

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away .
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

:D:D

:)


Attachment 2271

for geeker:



Two men are

sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the

first man turns to the other one and says: "You
know, last week I discovered

that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the

10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you

around the building and
back into the window."

The bartender just

shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
bar, but says nothing. The

second guy says, "What? Are you insane?
There's no way in heck that could

happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to

you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets

toward
the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind

whips
him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and

he
takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who

is
astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that

must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically

impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he

jumps. Again,
just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th

floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window.

He takes
the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges

his
dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the

second guy says, "I've seen that it works,
so I'll try it!"

He

immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly
passes the

11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors his body hits the sidewalk with
a loud

"splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time

turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You

know, Superman, you're a real as$hole when you're drunk."

Excellent:D

Yes thank you Herk :tro: