The Trepidation Contest..
 

Maybe this has been posted before but check it out...first heard this years ago on audio tape and recently found it on youtube...the announcer is hilarious in his description of the 'contest'...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FyD95Hv7CU

SALESMANSHIP


The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.



Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.


"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"


Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart...

Men do remember...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look
for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and
takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she
steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this
time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th
Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to
tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago
when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only
16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself
into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter or I will send you to
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

'I would have gotten out today.

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*

:D
:tro:

:tro::tro::tro:

You guys will like this one..
 

The Baptist & The Louisiana Cajun...
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Good Ole Cajun Boy on a flight to Baton Rouge.
After the plane took off, the free spirited Cajun asked for a whiskey and ice, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.* Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The Cajun then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A visit from the Sheriff
 

A guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when he notices a Police car pull up in front of his house.
The Sheriff and his deputy come up and knock on the front door. He answers the door and the Sheriff says , are you Mr. Smith? Yes, he says. Are you married, sir? Yes I am, replies Mr. Smith.
Would you happen to have a picture of your wife, sir?
Yes I do, says Mr. Smith.
Would you mind getting it and showing it to us. No problem, gents. He goes into the living room and returns with her picture and hands it to the Sheriff.

A very serious look comes across the Sheriff’s face and he looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry Mr. Smith but it looks like your wife was run over by a truck”.

Mr. Smith replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is a fantastic cook” !!!

:D

For the Formal Evening on your next Italian cruise.

Meet my new girlfriend..:eek::{>:




http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=C1AIaL4Y2E8

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

“Tis odd, isn't it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

'What on earth are you doing Ole', says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me', says an
obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble
lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something
sexy to a tractor."

January Statistics On Airport Screening
 

From The Department Of Homeland Security:



Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Two good ol' boys in a Kentucky trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local
Toyota plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to
your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and
she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he
says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

Anybody hear any good joles lately?
 

Short but sweet:

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What'll you have, Mitt?"

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A DEA agent stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher points and says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes: "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA agent running for his life while being chased by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

Your badge!! Show him your badge!!

ALERTS TO FINANCIAL AND MILITARY THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

JUST FRED

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break,
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses
him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so
then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Being retired now gives me time to think about new products that are needed.I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk asked me questions for a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Anybody remember Foster Brooks?...Hiliarious..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzAXb7qCCAo

Cheating Wife

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100.00, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

RUGGED OUTDOOR MAN

During my physical examination, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I said I spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. The doctor then asked me about my normal routine. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through
2 miles of brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really shitt.y golfer".

:) that is funny :p

found on the web...

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at ,makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?

I liked this one. :D

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

:D:D


Sign of the times..

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest."

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Hilarious Big...I needed one this morning, thx :)

Rodney was the best.:tro:


Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........
Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!...spyder's sig...:D

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.